Chapter Twelve, Snippet Two

Kurt, Robert & Duke Building a Fence Run for Horses on Robert's Land

Three Forks, MT - July, 2006

New Prairie Woman

Susie Rosso Wolf

Chapter Twelve, con't

We both regretted having to chop down two of the beautiful Conifer trees in order to cut in our driveway  that would lead up to Kurt’s workshop and to the house, but there wasn’t any other choice if we wanted to fulfill Kurt’s vision of the scene that he had blueprinted in his mind. I found him on the Kubota tractor using the back hoe to dig out the stump from one of the trees. I couldn’t determine if he felt my presence there, in Zippie, or not, but he lifted his head and looked straight at me then looked down at the stump again. I waved at him, pantomiming a fork going up to my mouth in an attempt to say it’s time to eat but he ignored me and kept on working. I waited several more minutes for him to stop but he was determined to get that stump out of the ground. I shut the engine off and walked over to him. He knew I was standing there but continued to ignore me, fully intent on getting that thing out. I knew at that point I would be standing there forever so I walked back to Zippie and drove over to the paddock. Let him look for me when he’s hungry, darn it, I’m not going to be ignored like that again. Darn men, anyway.

Sulking while I fed my face with the brownies, my self-esteem crumbled further and all I could think about was how awful I was, as a person I mean, and how my lack of discipline was ruining my life. In the middle of my pity party binge, my cell phone rang and it was Sister. She called to ask how I was doing and to be updated on our progress. We talked for a while, actually had a very nice conversation and then said good-bye. After hanging up the phone I thought about Sister and her devotion to her meditation and SRF. Inspired by her resolve to live a spiritual life, I put the brownies in the little refrigerator and leaned back against the room divider next to my bed and tried to turn my eyes up. It had been at least a month since I last meditated, it seemed that long ago anyway, so it felt odd to close myself off from everything here in this new place so that I could commune with God, perhaps attain His guidance and find some peace, some freedom from this compulsiveness with food that had forever plagued me. I fidgeted for a good while but eventually I settled into a deep meditation that lifted me up and calmed me down. I was calm and refreshed and knew that I had desperately needed that aloneness with God. This was an exercise in sense memory. When I sense that I’m out of whack because of static, chaos, negativity, anger, frustration, attitudes from others, loneliness…fear, I need to remember that I can always go to God for balance and love. An hour later I was startled by the door rattling open and Kurt’s voice asking me what was for lunch.

“I’ve been keeping some burritos and pizza sticks warm for you in the oven.”

“Pizza sticks? What’s a pizza stick?”

“A pizza stick is a pizza on a stick and you will love it.”

“A pizza on a stick? You’re lying.”

“How do you know I’m lying?” I began to laugh and giggle and then cackled uncontrollably. Kurt looked at me and started to laugh too. He knew me too well, that man. I opened the oven and pulled out the pan of food covered in foil. He could smell the delicious aroma of the fried goodies and his eyes opened wide when he looked at the pizza sticks that were basically deep fried pizza dough in the shape of a long flat stick that was filled with pizza sauce cheese and chopped pepperoni. Delicious, let me tell you. It didn’t take long for him to gobble up the snacks including a brownie for dessert. He felt full after all of that and wanted nothing more than to lie down for a long nap but instead he put his jacket back on, his knit cap and work gloves as he headed out the door to make his way back to our land. Meditating had helped me, I knew, because the urge to continue to binge on high amounts of calories faded away while I decided if I would clean the little trailer, water the roses that didn’t look too good these days, visit with the dogs here or walk them over to the land so I could lend a hand before the day ended without me doing anything productive whatsoever.

Cutter, Lilly and Dinky followed me in single file across Conifer Trail and the four of us went straight to the tractor to watch the removal of the enormous tree stump being lifted from the ground with the new machine that cost of a small fortune. What a great machine though, it really was. Expensive, but I realized that at the end of the day it would be worth every penny if you compared its cost with the cost of a rental on a daily basis for God only knew how long. And then if you factor in that we would need to plow snow, mow down weeds and sage that would grow in the way of our little storage business customers, well I figured I could accept the cost in the end. But I was worried now, about money, Kurt was spending it like water on all of our needs and his supplies. He’d already spent more than twenty thousand dollars on the expense of the steel to build the shop and we still needed to pay for the lumber for it and the construction cost too. The numbers were ticking upward and I didn’t like that but I tried not worry because I trusted Kurt and knew, without a doubt, that he knew what he was doing. Robert had promised Kurt that he would help him build the shop and put up all of the fences around our land so that would save us a great deal in labor expense. It would be good for them too, to work together. They were a great team when they got going. During our second trip to Montana Kurt helped Robert place all of his posts and fencing on his land and it was lovely watching them work so well together. I always marveled how much they cared for each other. Kurt really loved Robert and I know that deep in his heart, somewhere, buried underneath all of his confusion and mistrust that Robert remembers how much he loved Kurt when he was just a young kid who looked up to his uncle. So, I was looking forward to the day that we were ready to rent a fence post pounder so Robert could spend time with Kurt while together they would build the fences, hang the gates we will need for our vehicles to enter the property. It was going to be a huge undertaking, but one that promised to be fun and fulfilling. Before we could get started on construction we had to secure the property so that our dogs were safe from coyotes and other threatening prey. And we also needed the fencing for the future livestock we had planned to raise. I was hoping for two horses in the future, I so desperately wanted to ride, to experience the true nature of Montana. This was horse country and I could see, in my own vision, a nice little barn in our future and a stall and a hitching post outside our back door. And, I envisioned myself thin and fit dressed in a western shirt with jeans and boots on, a scarf tied around my neck and a cowboy hat on my head. I could see myself sitting high in the saddle as I looked out at the big sky and mountains then down at my horse to give him a pat and tell him he’s a good boy. I could see myself thin and confident as I swung my leg over my horse to get up into the saddle, but as quick as I envisioned this scene reality bled through my fantasy and the true picture of my self image appeared, wiping out the hope of ever getting my body up onto a horse.

Another day passed by, one filled with hard work and sweat and the next day was more of the same as Kurt worked on the second tree stump removal. He successfully yanked the huge knotty thing from the hard prairie ground and now we were ready to call our general contractor to let him know that we have opened up the area for a driveway which will be the entrance for his trucks and machinery that he will use to excavate the land for the foundation of our new modular home that was currently being built in Nebraska. According to Montana Homes of Belgrade, the house would be completed and ready for installation onto the foundation no later than November’s end. I was feeling exhilaration now, running through me with sweet sensation at the thought of our new home being flown by a gigantic crane that will lower it onto the foundation. I could see it now, in my mind’s eye, I could see the lovely pastel creamy ivory yellow color that I chose for the house with the white and blue-gray-slate trim. I couldn’t wait to get out of the trailer so that we could begin our new life in the beautiful little house that will sit facing the four mountain ranges of Southwestern Montana.